A View from the Summit

Let’s get into the “nuts and bolts” of the six problems that trip us up in our relationships with others. A quick review will remind us that our six biggest problems are: Anxiety, Anger, Depression, Self-Consciousness, Immoderation or Impulsiveness, and Vulnerability to stress.

Anxiety

In this article, we’ll consider how Anxiety can damage our relationships.

Some people use the words “fear” and “anxiety” as if they’re synonymous. They are, in fact, distinct experiences that differ in at least two aspects.

The first distinction is this: Fear is a response to a threat that is present “right now.” Anxiety is a “right now” response to a “not yet” threat. The danger is not immediate.

The second difference is related to the first:  If fear is a response to a threat that is happening right now, anxiety is a response to something that might happen in the future. Anxiety is a “what if” problem – something that might occur.

What does the distinction between fear and anxiety look like in “real life?”  Here’s an illustration that might help.

When I was in 7^th grade, the school bus stop was a little over a mile from my home. When the weather was nice, I would walk home. One afternoon, I was the only one to get dropped off at the stop, and started walking home alone.

I knew I had to walk by the house of a family who owned guard dogs. The dogs had been rumored to cross the fences to chase people walking by. As I walked closer to the house, I began to imagine a large guard dog seeing me, and coming to attack me. The threat was about 5 minutes in the future. And, while at that moment, the threat existed only in my imagination, I was experiencing a fairly strong dose of anxiety.

As I walked by the house, one of their very large guard dogs saw me, and thought I posed a threat.  The dog got through the fence and confronted me in the middle of the country road, ready to attack much like the images you’ve seen in the media. I screamed for help as I held my notebook out, hoping to keep the dog from biting me. What was I feeling at that moment? Fear. The threat was “right now” and very “real.”

With this understanding of the difference between fear and anxiety, let’s review the markers for anxiety from the first:

The more “Group A” items you checked, the greater the likelihood that you’re susceptible to anxiety. Conversely, the more “Group B” items you checked, the greater the likelihood that you don’t experience a lot of anxiety.

How do the Group A items do their damage? First, for every anxious thought we have, there is an unpleasant emotional picture (perhaps a memory) associated with it. Second, because the thoughts and images are our own, we often don’t stop to ask whether the thought is realistic. We assume, because it is our thought, that it is true. Third, we act “as if” the thought is true.

Tom worries about things. In his mind, it’s only a matter of time before whatever bad thing that can happen does happen. This morning, his car didn’t start right away. He may not remember it, but as he turned the key a second time, he had a mental picture of himself stranded in a broken down car in the center lane during rush hour. Tonight, after he got home from work, he began checking ads for new cars.

While Tom’s story is a fictional illustration, there are, very sadly, many people who are living their own “non-fiction” version of Tom’s scenario.

Anxiety does its greatest damage when it occurs in our relationships. Here’s an example from Tom’s completion of the exercise you’ll find at the bottom of the page:

Now it’s your turn: If half or more of your responses were in the “Group A” category, complete the following sentences thinking about your relationship with the person who is closest to you emotionally. Then complete the “when this happens” sentence, supplying a mental picture for each Group A thought.

In a few weeks we’ll learn some effective skills for resolving anxiety. For now, listen in on your thoughts, and pay attention to the mental images that come to your attention. Consider keeping a journal of times and situations in which you’re vulnerable to anxious thoughts.